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Feb. 20th, 2010

(no subject)

i cant do this any more. I feel sick and fat in the morning and sick and fat at night. i don't want to be a whale , i dont want to look in the mirror and see love handles, a round stomach, bingo wings and thighs that touch. Im gonna do what i want now, screw everyone else, i want to like my body again especially now ive got a new love interest who probably weighs the same as me.

Feb. 11th, 2010

(no subject)

how do i make this my home page, the first page i see when i log on to the internet

Feb. 4th, 2010

(no subject)

my friend monica has been annoying me more lately but they say if someone occupies your mind so much and you believe you hate them then you actually love them or envy them. But i don't care about her, yh she's has a nice phone, nice house, a mac, and is pretty well off, i don't care. Honestly.
my other friend yuly has been going at me that evenually im gonna have to let people into my head, into my problems, to get help. i wanted i honestly did but i couldn't, it's not because i think it makes me weak like she believes, but because i don't know anything else than to bottle up all my problems, take my anger out on my body, and cry myself to sleep on my bathroom floor to the sound of love songs on my ipod.
she won't let it go, how do i get her to back off without pushing her away like i do eeveryone else.

Jan. 19th, 2010

(no subject)


got rid of lunch now get rid of dinner.
I have an optimum time to eat from 4-7pm, so i need to avoid these times.  
Did you know that obese is classified as being 2 stones over your ideal weight, does that make me obese then since i'm 9 stone and my ideal weight is 7 stone.
Weighed myself half way through the day, bad girl Bianca (yes my name)
My "FRIEND" said i look weird when i smile, great tell someone who is depressed all the time that they shouldn't smile.
Had to spend after school time at school with people i hate, doing things i hate; to make it worse, everyone keeps complementing my friend all the time because she got into a really gd boarding school, oh isn't she pretty, isn't she clever, isn't she funny and witty, isn't she thin, isn't her hair long and beautiful, isn't she fucking perfect.
It just occured to me that she could be bulimic, i mean she had a drastic weight loss though she's not active and is always eating, and she always goes to the bathroom after lunch now. Should i ask her or focus on my own fucked up mind?

crying myself to sleep now, i sttarted crying on the bus that i had to get off and walk the rest of the way home, i was thinking about who i would send my suicide note to and what it would say and how i would die, i've got it down to ingesting loads of ibuprofen, slashing my wrists, stabbing myself in numerous places, setting clothes and hair alight, then jumping off 5 storey balcony.


Jan. 17th, 2010

(no subject)

how many fucking calories have i consumed by drinking this lucozade. It is high in carbs, not refreshing, not even tasty yet i can't seem to stop. *sip sip* awwwwwwwwwwwwww!

(no subject)

sunday's are the worst cos i feel guilty for not eating all the food my mum makes so i've had a tuna sandwich, 2 slices of carrot cake (with cream ):, cereal, bisuits, crisps, and right now as i type i'm eating kidney beans. i suck soooooooooo bad. once skool goes back to normal i mean minus exams, then i can focus and get back on track.
I hate that my friends and family like me better when i eat but i turn into a psychotic bitch when i don't, so what do i do sacrifice my own happiness to satisfy everyone else.

p.s. I gave a really dirty look to a priest today and insulted this old women in my parish, who does that what the fuck is wrong with me?

Going to eat another slice of cake now ]=

(no subject)

do any of you feel like you won't make it to your desired weight, cos i was reading my diary i made last year and realised that back then, before food became a really big issue, i was casually floating between the scale of 8st 4 and 7st 8, healthy to underweight, i made a wish last year, at an average weight of 112 pounds to get to 98 pounds, 14 pounds 1 stone simple enough. WRONG!!! instead of losing a stone i put one on, now some of my friends are thinner than me when they were always the heavier one. Now i can't help feel that no matter how much i restrict or exercise i will inevitably fail, just like i fail in eveything else in my life.

Jan. 16th, 2010

(no subject)

had an argument with my mum today, and my stupid unhelpful loser sister had to jump in and make things worse, when people are angry and upset you are supposed to leave them alone or it just makes it worse. So i ran out of the house and took a really long walk for those who live in Southwark London, England, i went from old kent road to camberwell to peckham to old kent road, it was great but i was still worked up so i did about an hour of martial arts (a poor attempt) and bollywood dancing (another poor attempt) Then i had a tuna and cheese pasta salad and fruit salad. I feel like i need to escape this house because i am at my worst here. And you know what annoys me is that I left without telling them where i was going (partly cos i didn't know myself and partly cos i didn't want to) and i got back like when it was pitch black and none of them had even moved a muscle, my mum had gone shopping and my other sister's first words to me were 'did you buy me my ice cream' No you bloody idiot what shop is selling ice cream in this weather!!!
If one more person tells me it is just a teenage phase i will punch them and seriously hurt them because none of my family were so messed up at my age. I've hated myself since i was 11 and have wanted to die since i was thirteen and i'm 15 now and the feeling has only grown stronger. I want out for good!
Instead of my mum ignoring me maybe she should question why i first started running away at the petite age of 4 and 11 years on i'm still doing it?

(no subject)

i'm having my first break in what 3 months, tomorrow i'll start revising for my last 2 exams but untill then i'll just relax, sleep, concentrate on not eating. Just had an apple before my cravings for cereal drove me insane.
Yesterday i did really well i only ate a cereal bar and when me and my friends were walking around westminster/southbank i didn't give into temptation when they were eating subway tuna sandwiches, fries and milshakes. Monica was all like are you sure, i'll buy you anything, what do you want but i wasn't about to ruin it and especially let HER be the one to pay for me to eat. But on the bus home alone i fucked up, see i hate living so close to Tesco, i brought two pain aux raisins and stuffed them down in like three minutes in some back alley way near a primary school cos i didn't want any one to see then i disposed of the packaging and receipt and chewed some gum. It was really scary doing that, i felt almost possessed.
Im gonna fast this whole weekend and only take about three fruits if necessary, that way i'll feel so much better.
Friends suck don't they, Monica kept going on about the fact she's getting fat and Wendy who has always been fatter than me but i never said anything, had the decency to say i was bigger than her in a really malicous way, if she knew how triggering that was she would be amazed. I'm gonna exercise for like 3 hours today and get sooo thin that she can never say that toooo me.
They're always putting me down about my weight since i was like 9, if we were swimming or dancing, especially if i wore a skirt or tank top. It hurt sooooooo much being the fat kid in a group, and having no boy fancy you.
I HATE THEM FOR DOING THIS TO ME!!!

Jan. 15th, 2010

(no subject)

when i wear my own clothes to skool it encourages me more to exercise and not eat. i'm hoping my legs will get thinner by the time my friends see me, so i will miss brekkie then walk to skool. :)

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